Done? Now do it again. And again. Once more. Once more with feeling. Good.
What did we learn from this? Well, it probably hurt at first but, after a while, banging your head on the desk starts to feel good – fun, even, if you hit hard enough to draw blood. This is not because banging your head is in any way enjoyable, but simply because you become concussed and lose a whole lot of brain cells.
This is the exact same reason why it is possible to enjoy The A-Team.
Anyone who remembers the original series (and, frankly, anyone who doesn’t shouldn’t even bother watching the film) should not be expecting an intelligent film. However, it is impressive how low the filmmakers managed to sink. The dialogue is a mess of clichés and the plot is ridiculous even by the standards of the series.
At the beginning, for about three and a half minutes, the film looks like it might be quite well written. Unfortunately, Murdock (Sharlto Copley) then manages to fly a helicopter upside down in a clear contravention of the laws of physics, while BA Baracus (Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson) hangs out the side without getting his legs cut off by the propeller. At this point, brain cells started leaking out my ear.
After that, the team is imprisoned for the murder of someone who obviously isn’t dead and for complicity in the theft of… Christ, I don’t know. Money printing plates, or something. These plates are shown to be entirely useless without a huge printing press, which no one possesses. Even so, they become the central MacGuffin in the story, which sees the team breaking out of their respective jails, dropping a tank out of a plane for no good reason, and hunting down a CIA operative who reminded me more of Gordon Gecko than any government stooge.
The set pieces get bigger and bigger, but unfortunately director Joe Carnahan's ambition is let down by his special effects: the final explosions aboard a cargo ship look vaguely like they’ve been rendered on a staffer’s home computer.
The characters fare no better. Limited by the constraints of the original TV show, there is no development or meaningful dialogue. Wit is sacrificed to make way for some perverse competition to see how many times someone can say “I love it when a plan comes together”. ‘Rampage’ Jackson singlehandedly sets black acting back 20 years by constantly having to yell “fool”, “shee-it” and “day-am” throughout otherwise normal conversations. Even accounting for the fact that his role seems to consist of one long joke about how he “ain’t getting on no damn plane, fool”, it is safe to say that he fails even to reach the heady acting standards set by Mr T back in the ‘80s.
Meanwhile, Liam Neeson (Hannibal) phones in his role in his blandest performance since The Phantom Menace, while Bradley Cooper (Face) foregoes acting entirely by walking around without a shirt on and grinning vacantly. The only actor of any note is Copley, whose hammed up insanity as Murdock unfortunately fails to save the film.
So the film is terrible. That said, it is almost impossible to not be won over on some level. The explosions are so loud, the action so boisterous, and the one-liners so thick and fast that eventually you’ll find that you’ll pass through the pain barrier. Suddenly, the film’s tenuous grip on reality begins to work, and you’ll sit with a stupid smile on your face as the madness creeps through your brain, possibly ruining any chances you ever had of finally trying for that PhD later in life.
Go and see it if you must, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.