I don’t get the Angelina Jolie thing. She has all the right elements to be attractive, that much is clear, but all of those elements feel exaggerated to me: the balloon breasts, the gargantuan lips, the waif-like body. It’s like someone described their perfect woman to an artist with a bicycle pump fetish. Turn her upside down and I swear she’d look like an emergency lifeboat.

I’m obviously in a minority on this, but even so one thing is unarguable: Ms Jolie is a distinctive woman. You would notice her in a crowd. She would make a terrible spy.

In Salt, Angelina Jolie plays a CIA spy. Do you see what my problem is here? Do you?

If this was a pre-Casino Royale James Bond film, I wouldn’t have any particular issue. Roger Moore was a terrible spy as well (mind you, he was also a terrible actor). However, Salt appears to be aiming for the semi-realism of the Bourne trilogy.

Matt Damon as a spy makes sense. You wouldn’t notice the guy if you walked in on him drinking your finest Tesco whiskey while in bed with your pet rabbit. I don’t say this to insult him; his stint as Bourne is deliberately downplayed, because it makes the fight scenes stand out so much more.

Jolie, meanwhile, looks like she’s going to kill someone even when she’s sat behind a desk.

Salt opens up with Jolie in a North Korean prison, about to be traded for a US prisoner against all the usual policies of plausible deniability. This serves us to introduce us to her co-spy, played by Liev Schreiber (who is distinctive in being even more obvious in a crowd than Jolie), and to her boyfriend and future husband, a German arachnologist with the personality of a Digestive biscuit.

Once she’s back, she’s immediately put back in service as a CIA spy, and subsequently accused by a Russian informant of being a hitman who’s about to kill – wait for it – the Russian president. High jinks ensue, and before long we don’t know who’s on whose side.

Except we do know, because despite having around four major plot twists, the film is always predictable. At first, I just figured Jolie wasn’t killing anyone so that the film rating could be kept down to a 12A, but then the first time she met anyone not born in the good old US of A, she massacres them without batting an eyelid. This might come as a spoiler, if you’ve never ever watched a film, read a book or left the house in your entire life.

It’s just silly. There’s an assassination that involves dropping someone (who had just walked down an open street lined with tall buildings) through a church floor. There’s a nuclear countdown timer straight out of the worst James Bond films. There’s Angelina Jolie in the least convincing sex-change disguise since Robbie Coltrane in Nuns On The Run. Granted, none of this is as brainless as The A-Team, but that’s like saying Santa is more realistic a character than the Easter Bunny.

The film has its moments; the action sequences are good and, for all the idiocy, the script and acting are all of a high standard. I just wish that the film didn’t try so hard to be the next Bourne Identity. Watch, but try not to think too hard.

Phillip Noyce Kurt Wimmer, Brian Helgeland William M. Connor, Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Samuel Dickerman, Ric Kidney, Hannah Minghella, Sunil Perkash, Mark Vahradian

Starring

Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Zoe Lister Jones, Yara Shahidi, Gaius Charles, Victor Slezak, James Schram, Daniel Olbrychski, Cassidy Hinkle, Corey Stoll, Gary Wilmes, Kevin O'Donnell, Michelle Ray Smith, Nicole Signore, Harry L. Seddon, Tobias Campbell, Victoria Cartagena, Hristo Hristov, Nick Poltoranin, Marion McCorry, Cecilia Foss, Brian Distance, Ivo Velon, Zach Shaffer, Dionne Audain, Philip Willingham, Frosty Lawson, James Cronin, Angelo Lopez, Jewel Elizabeth, Xavier Rafael, William Henderson White, Ethan Ladd, Mardi Jones, David Agranov, Michael Ahl, George Aloi, James P. Anderson, Mike D. Anderson, Quarles Antoine, Lara Apponyi, Gaetano Averella, Scott Barry, Robert Bizik, Akim Black, Michael Blumenstock, Courtney S. Bunbury, Niecy Cerise, Eddy Challita, Clem Cheung, Leslie Chiecko, Natalie Christina, Rory Clarke, Mike Colter, Peter Conboy, Greg Connolly, Marmee Cosico, Jordan Michael Coulson, Michael Cramer, Scot Cregan, Millard Darden, Michael Dean, Shalon Delgado, Kamar Reyes De Los, Maria Diaz, Justin Doescher, John Calvin Doyle, Eddie D'vir, Angela Evans, John Farrer, Liam Ferguson, Jay Ferraro, Daniel Ferro, Pamela Fischer, Evans Forlidas, Kevin Fung, Bill Geary, Bill Gentry, Mika Gill, Danielle Glick, Vaughn Goland, Kate Gorney, Janis Grossman, Matthew James Gulbranson, Victoria Hale, Frank Hansen, Reginald Harper, Frank Harts, Walter Hartung, Dave Herring, Heath Herring, Moe Hindi, Edgar Jimz, Tony Joe, Paul Collins Johnson, Albert Jones, Ralph A. Wilburn Jr., Nicky Julius, Yasmin D. Kahn, tanzeel Kayani, Jess King, Pete Klein, David Kneeream, Seth Kozak, Michael J. Kraycik, Jordan Lage, Lovari, Tanda Mercer, Keith Middlebrook, Chris Miskiewicz, John Mitchell, Arash Mokhtar, Catherine Murillo, Denise Lynch Murter, Robert Myers, Manny Oliverez, Norman Outlaw, Luis Pacheco, Rick Pantera, Loukas Papas, Jason Paris, Daniel Pearce, Josh Pesin, Christopher Phillips, Silvestre Rasuk, Lil Rhee, Mark Vincent, Philippe Vonlanthen, Lauren Starkey Ward, Paul Weaver, Steven Weisz, Ken Wharton, Don Whatley, Lisa Whitt, Jennifer Wiener, Deantre Williams, Jeff Wincott, David C. Yee, Zahir Zahrieh, Juan Pablo Veizaga, Chris Vaina, Enrique Sebastian Rivas, Vincent Riviezzo, Tony Romito, Darren Ross, Kyle Salvatore, Andy Sinatra, Ken Sladyk, Gilbert Soto, Anita Storr, Patrick Michael Strange, Tom Stratford, Vladimir Tevlovski, Towanda Underdue, Stosh Zona